Sunday, November 11, 2007

More like her everyday

I went back to my hometown for the long weekend. It was good to be back home, for a short visit. While home I got to see some of my old friends and family. I had several people say to that "You look more like your mom everyday." A sense of panic came over me when I heard that statement. Am I a evil or bad person that I don't want to be like my mother? I shook with the thought that I was becoming like her. My mom died at 52, she was always overweight, and she had a long and hard battle with diabetes and heart disease.

I see my life flowing, without my control, in the same direction. I am 31 years old and like my mom, I have thinning hair, I am overweight and cant seem to control it. Diabetes runs crazy in my mom's family. I am already disadvantaged, unlike her, I have dealt with cancer, and I have a permanent disability to show for it.

Apart of me thinks that there most be something wrong with me to even think this way. That I am a ungrateful and awful person for even contemplating the thought. But because of diabetes and everything I was robbed of a chance to a have a mother/ daughter relationship, I was robbed of the chance to show my mom all the good things I have done in my life, I was robbed of her.

And though most days life goes on ,today It feels like it is standing still

Saturday, October 6, 2007